For as long as I can remember I have tried to please people. I always try to make people feel happy and (especially in the past) would go out of my way to help them. It would even go so far that sometimes I would lose sleep over certain things that were happening to other people.

Luckily, I few years ago, I realized that this wasn’t the right ‘thing’ to be. Sure I want people to be happy, I still am very compassionate and considered to other people, and if I can I will help them out. But I have changed; I no longer try to go out of my way to please people. My friends and family know I’m there for them when they need me, even in the middle of the night, but I don’t try to make people like me anymore by helping them out the way I used to.

I do know what caused me to be like this; when I was in primary school I was harassed by my classmates and friends for a few years. At that point I realized if I was nice and helpful people would like me and not harass me. Even though I grew as a person in high-school I didn’t realize I was a people pleaser for my own ‘protection’ until I was in college.

Harassing can have an effect on someone for years after the actually happening. I know that happened to me. I was always afraid it would happen again and I’m not afraid or embarrassed to admit that. We all have our flaws and we can only work on them and improve it if we admit to having them.

Ever since I went to college, my confidence grew and I changed more towards the person I really am inside; a funny, outgoing, confident young woman that is ready to make it in this world and will say what she thinks without too much sugar coating.

In the last few weeks I have been called all kinds of things ranging from being a bitch, cold-hearted and mean. Back in the day that would have made me lose sleep, and I would try to figure out how I could change my behaviour so they would like me again. And now I just don’t care anymore. I know who I am and what I want (and don’t want) to be.

I know I’m not cold-hearted, and that I can be a bitch and sometimes even downright mean. But I also know that I’m still compassionate and caring and ready to help family and friends if they need it. I just stand up for myself more; and don’t mind being straight-to-the-point, because that just gets the message across much easier than talking for 20 minutes without saying what you want to say.

Still, even with those changes, I’m not yet there. I need to grow a little more confidence so don’t mind giving a snappy come-back to certain remarks. I still go blank at times when someone says something to me, teasing me a bit, and that’s something I want to stop from happening. It’s a goal and hopefully I’ll accomplish that soon.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mind being teased. I’m a firm believer that if you can’t stand some friendly teasing you shouldn’t do it yourself either (just ask my colleagues, they know better than anyone that I love to tease people :-p ). I just wish (and hope) that I wouldn’t go blank (and turn red) when I get a few silly remarks..

This is probably the most private post I ever wrote on here, but it’s how I feel and I don’t think I wrote anything I should be embarrassed about. It has been a long struggle but finally gotten to a point where I know I can be happy with myself by just being myself.

No Comments on "Self Reflection"

Leave a comment

Before you post be aware that first-time commenters are moderated and anonymous comments will be deleted.